I hate Staring Girl. I HATE HER. Because she stares daggers at me when I haven't spoken a word to her. Her new name is Staring Shithead Bitch Arse Cow. Or maybe I'll stick with Staring Girl. If I stole your boyfriend, ate all of your chocolate, pissed on your clothes and headbutted you in the kidney, then you can hate me.
BUT YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE A BLOODY REASON, COW.
If I used Bitch Tactics to snag the promotion you were supposed to get, said that your perfume smelt like the urine of a cat with cystitis, and declared war on your pithy country, then you can hate me.
NO REASON. COW.
And I am not the type of person to sink this low, but since I am annoyed, I will tell you that not only does she dress weird, she has a stupid name and shit hair.
Hey, you know what's not fun? Putting on a pair of shorts (and risking blindness caused by the pasty white glare of your thighs), then sitting on a leather couch. My legs will need to be surgically removed from this thing. Or you might be able to pry me off with a crowbar.
But, I will worry about this once I have invented a thigh-levering device or find somebody to peel me off.
My options for Staring Girl are as follows:
1. Walk up to her, yell obscenities and punch her in the liver.
2. Approach my boss, tell him that she is sexually harrassing me, show photoshopped images of pornography with her head pasted in, and say that she sent them to me.
3. Gradually poison her, causing her immune system to break down and make her think she has an incurable disease. Hold on, is this the plot from a movie?
4. Say, "I'm sorry, but this whole staring thing is making me a little uncomfortable." And then punch her in the liver.
5. Sabotage her work, so she is fired.
6. Change seats, so she can't see me.
7. Find out where she lives and anonymously harrass her until she has a nervous breakdown.
8. Ignore her. (Please note if you select this option, you will have to put up with my whining FOREVER MORE.)
What do you suggest?
BUT YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE A BLOODY REASON, COW.
If I used Bitch Tactics to snag the promotion you were supposed to get, said that your perfume smelt like the urine of a cat with cystitis, and declared war on your pithy country, then you can hate me.
NO REASON. COW.
And I am not the type of person to sink this low, but since I am annoyed, I will tell you that not only does she dress weird, she has a stupid name and shit hair.
Hey, you know what's not fun? Putting on a pair of shorts (and risking blindness caused by the pasty white glare of your thighs), then sitting on a leather couch. My legs will need to be surgically removed from this thing. Or you might be able to pry me off with a crowbar.
But, I will worry about this once I have invented a thigh-levering device or find somebody to peel me off.
My options for Staring Girl are as follows:
1. Walk up to her, yell obscenities and punch her in the liver.
2. Approach my boss, tell him that she is sexually harrassing me, show photoshopped images of pornography with her head pasted in, and say that she sent them to me.
3. Gradually poison her, causing her immune system to break down and make her think she has an incurable disease. Hold on, is this the plot from a movie?
4. Say, "I'm sorry, but this whole staring thing is making me a little uncomfortable." And then punch her in the liver.
5. Sabotage her work, so she is fired.
6. Change seats, so she can't see me.
7. Find out where she lives and anonymously harrass her until she has a nervous breakdown.
8. Ignore her. (Please note if you select this option, you will have to put up with my whining FOREVER MORE.)
What do you suggest?
posted by GBE at 4:45 pm
8 Comments:
"Excuse me, do you know me from somewhere else? I couldn't help notice you stare at me?"
yeah the wave and give an "almost friendly" smile, will work.
"hey I know you are staring" it says with just a hint of "now stop or I will rip out your blackened heart and stick it in your mouth"
If she says anything just give the dead pan "sorry, you were staring at me, whats the problem?"
Or is that too many drunk Scottish nights coming out of my system....nah, that would be
"WHAT YOU LOOKING AT, FANNYBAWS!" then give her the Glasgow Kiss to the bridge of her nose.
/gets coat and goes to anger management class
I'm all about the "in your face" technique. I say that the next time you notice it, walk right up to her with a big smile on your face and say "HI, I'm so sorry for staring at you but I just feel like maybe we've met before." Act like it's you that's staring. If she responds like a shit, then plan your next move.
I caught mirror girl doing it so many times that I just started teasing her about it. I told her I was going to get a mirror and then I could talk to her that way and never have to turn around. Now it's our running joke.
Still creepy but she's moved seats now....
Get a creepy picture of someone's face, say a picture of Steve Buschemi, and stick it to the back of your head. That way, when she's staring at you all freaky and stuff, you'll be giving her a dose of the evil eyes in return.
Then again you could just kick her in the spleen and be done with it.
I've considered all of your suggestions (and scoured the internet for bloody ages trying to work out what a 'fannybaws' is - it's like calling a bloke a 'sissy' or 'a big girl', right?), and I think you're all very sensible, and everything would work really well, but I just. can't. bring. myself to do anything less than horrifically nasty.
And let's face it - it makes for much better reading.
(Re. 'spleen kicking': Don. You are my hero.)
Erm...your definition would be a close approximation.
On refection, could you not move to somewhere which enable you to do the staring, take the high ground, dominate the "battle field"?
I would go for the in your face approach.
Could she *cough* "fancy" you?
When you notice her staring at you, look her dead in the eyes and ram your index finger up your nose, wiggle it around a second or two, pull it out, and then put it in your mouth. Roll your eyes suggestively at her while sucking on your finger. If this doesn't work, then stand up and scratch your arsehole - while looking directly at her.
Before trying this, though, turn around and make sure there isn't a wall clock or calendar on the wall behind you - she may not be looking at you at all....
- M
If she fancies me, she hides it very well behind her look of intense bitchiness.
M, I strongly suspect that your method would be very effective, not only in scaring the crap out of her, but also in making the Very Important People take my job away. I'm in the view of far too many supervisors for suggestive arse-scratching...
My method at the moment is very blatant looking-the-other-way. I'm biding my time until I work out how to utterly destroy her.
Post a Comment
<< Home