Things that boys have done to impress me:
Age 6: Held my hand and kissed me repeatedly, particularly in front of teachers so they would go 'awwwww' because two six-year olds kissing eachother is the stuff Kodak ads are made of. But I was six, and thought 'eww, this is gross', and dumped him. I mean, come on. That's moving a bit too fast, don't you think?
Age 8: Went out with me for an hour and a half before dumping me for my best friend and 'giving' me his own best friend as a substitute. Which was really very kind of him. Rather than leaving me boyfriendless. Now that I think of it, I'm pretty sure he had a mullet.
Age 11: Ran past me, gaily slapping me on the head as he went. But his finger went INTO MY EYE and the next day I woke up with my eyelid swollen and puffy and discovered I had a MASSIVE STY. And that's not one of those things a pig lives in. Though my mammoth eyelid could have probably housed a pig or two, it was that puffy. He was my 'proper' boyfriend and everything. And then another girl had a nervous breakdown in the toilets and screamed "WHY DID YOU GO OUT WITH HIM? I LOVE HIM!" and I'm thinking 'Woah. I'm 11, how 'bout you?'
Age 11 (again): Asked my friend out repeatedly, and was turned down every time, before asking me out repeatedly. There's nothing like being the last resort. He then gave me a necklace with a loveheart on it and I thought 'wow, maybe he really does like me', before I discovered that he'd already tried to give it to my friend that very morning. Age 11 was hectic.
Age 12 - 14: Called me names and threw things at me.
Let's jump right ahead.
Age 18: Talked to me for HOURS about CARS. Ooh, cars. I know lots about cars. Let's see: they drive, and, um, rev. And you put petrol in them. Yes, this is how much I care about cars. And you see how I'm sort of saying 'mm' and gazing the other way? This means that I'm not at all interested. You're still talking about cars. I AM DYING.
Age 18: Introduced me to the bong-smoking gang, saying 'these are my mates'. And then positioned me in front of the TV for FOUR HOURS while you smoked bongs with your mates. That was fun.
Age 18: Convinced me that I really wanted to have sex with you, only for me to lose my virginity and think 'Well Holy SHIT, does sex really only last for 13 seconds? And if so, why the hell do people go on about it so much? I'm not going to bother with that shit again.'
Oh, actually, the last three were all the same boyfriend. I'm going to work before I go off on a tangent.
Age 6: Held my hand and kissed me repeatedly, particularly in front of teachers so they would go 'awwwww' because two six-year olds kissing eachother is the stuff Kodak ads are made of. But I was six, and thought 'eww, this is gross', and dumped him. I mean, come on. That's moving a bit too fast, don't you think?
Age 8: Went out with me for an hour and a half before dumping me for my best friend and 'giving' me his own best friend as a substitute. Which was really very kind of him. Rather than leaving me boyfriendless. Now that I think of it, I'm pretty sure he had a mullet.
Age 11: Ran past me, gaily slapping me on the head as he went. But his finger went INTO MY EYE and the next day I woke up with my eyelid swollen and puffy and discovered I had a MASSIVE STY. And that's not one of those things a pig lives in. Though my mammoth eyelid could have probably housed a pig or two, it was that puffy. He was my 'proper' boyfriend and everything. And then another girl had a nervous breakdown in the toilets and screamed "WHY DID YOU GO OUT WITH HIM? I LOVE HIM!" and I'm thinking 'Woah. I'm 11, how 'bout you?'
Age 11 (again): Asked my friend out repeatedly, and was turned down every time, before asking me out repeatedly. There's nothing like being the last resort. He then gave me a necklace with a loveheart on it and I thought 'wow, maybe he really does like me', before I discovered that he'd already tried to give it to my friend that very morning. Age 11 was hectic.
Age 12 - 14: Called me names and threw things at me.
Let's jump right ahead.
Age 18: Talked to me for HOURS about CARS. Ooh, cars. I know lots about cars. Let's see: they drive, and, um, rev. And you put petrol in them. Yes, this is how much I care about cars. And you see how I'm sort of saying 'mm' and gazing the other way? This means that I'm not at all interested. You're still talking about cars. I AM DYING.
Age 18: Introduced me to the bong-smoking gang, saying 'these are my mates'. And then positioned me in front of the TV for FOUR HOURS while you smoked bongs with your mates. That was fun.
Age 18: Convinced me that I really wanted to have sex with you, only for me to lose my virginity and think 'Well Holy SHIT, does sex really only last for 13 seconds? And if so, why the hell do people go on about it so much? I'm not going to bother with that shit again.'
Oh, actually, the last three were all the same boyfriend. I'm going to work before I go off on a tangent.
posted by GBE at 8:31 am
8 Comments:
I would like to add a supportive comment as well, but I just can't top that. By all means, continue to rock.
sadly sadly familiar... sigh!
you obviously seem drawn to the Bastards.
You all know the type.
What amazes me is that the Mr Nice Guys should be attractive, when you have that danw of realisaion, but you all seem to go "feck it" and STILL go for the mean and stupid types
yeah, boys are sooo awesome aren't they?
Fig tree and Mark, I will try my hardest to rock for the rest of my blogging life, but I can make no promises.
Lividia and M, you feel my pain, and I am grateful.
And Brett! I don't think any boyfriends pre-18 can really count, because nobody knows how to have a relationship at that age, but I will freely admit that the one at 18 was a bit of a twat. I only spotted the bad things in retrospect, because I was blinded by raging hormones and youthful impetuosity at the time. I'm no victim, and I think nice guys are great, but I've only met about two my entire life.
the good ones are ever so rare, i'd like to think that as we grow we learn how to ignore the shitty ones (at least a little better than we did @ age 18...)
and i never properly said hello, so hello! i'm new around here, likey what i see-ee... cheers! :P
I loved this!
Lividia, hi! Welcome to my den of iniquity. M, thankye very muchly. :-)
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