To the 'ladies' of my workplace who frequent the Level Two ladies' room:
A. Ok. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but you are female and it's highly unlikely that you have a penis or pee standing up. So why is there pee on the toilet seat?? WHY? Do you stand up mid-pee and wiggle around? Do you get up before you've finished peeing? Are your peeing bits located in an unusual place? And once you have noticed that you've pissed on the seat, why do you not CLEAN IT UP? There is toilet paper there, in that roll thing. Jesus.
B. Right. Now I understand everybody needs to 'go' and sometimes Number Two-ing is necessary. Apologies if you don't want to hear about Number Two-ing. But is it really possible that EVERY TIME I go to the loo, the person who has been in there before me has left the room filled with an almighty stench? Surely this is not possible. I am beginning to suspect that there is a conspiracy, and that people are studying my toilet habits, and five minutes before it is statistically likely that I will visit the toilet they are running in there and doing their, you know, business.
C. WASH YOUR HANDS. For Christ's sake.
I've always suspected that it was the guys toilets that smelt a bit funny and had puddles of pee on the floor, but I'm learning that women are truly bloody gross.
D. Pubic hair on the toilet seat is a no-no. I just don't want to see it. There's a reason we all wear pants, and that's because the status of hairdownthere is None of Your Business.
E. I am Very Dismayed when you go into the toilet with no toilet paper, only to pee as usual and walk out after flushing without a single cry of "can you pass me some bog roll, please?" Because this makes me think, 'Um, you just went to the toilet and didn't use toilet paper, so you either drip-dried or have piss pants.'
These ranty posts are becoming pretty common. John is visiting, and the blogging is dying down while I go out to dinner wearing slut heels and drink champagne (I did that last night. Seriously.). I'm also looking for a place to live and working Saturdays. Right now, Everything Is Crazy.
A. Ok. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but you are female and it's highly unlikely that you have a penis or pee standing up. So why is there pee on the toilet seat?? WHY? Do you stand up mid-pee and wiggle around? Do you get up before you've finished peeing? Are your peeing bits located in an unusual place? And once you have noticed that you've pissed on the seat, why do you not CLEAN IT UP? There is toilet paper there, in that roll thing. Jesus.
B. Right. Now I understand everybody needs to 'go' and sometimes Number Two-ing is necessary. Apologies if you don't want to hear about Number Two-ing. But is it really possible that EVERY TIME I go to the loo, the person who has been in there before me has left the room filled with an almighty stench? Surely this is not possible. I am beginning to suspect that there is a conspiracy, and that people are studying my toilet habits, and five minutes before it is statistically likely that I will visit the toilet they are running in there and doing their, you know, business.
C. WASH YOUR HANDS. For Christ's sake.
I've always suspected that it was the guys toilets that smelt a bit funny and had puddles of pee on the floor, but I'm learning that women are truly bloody gross.
D. Pubic hair on the toilet seat is a no-no. I just don't want to see it. There's a reason we all wear pants, and that's because the status of hairdownthere is None of Your Business.
E. I am Very Dismayed when you go into the toilet with no toilet paper, only to pee as usual and walk out after flushing without a single cry of "can you pass me some bog roll, please?" Because this makes me think, 'Um, you just went to the toilet and didn't use toilet paper, so you either drip-dried or have piss pants.'
These ranty posts are becoming pretty common. John is visiting, and the blogging is dying down while I go out to dinner wearing slut heels and drink champagne (I did that last night. Seriously.). I'm also looking for a place to live and working Saturdays. Right now, Everything Is Crazy.
posted by GBE at 1:32 pm
10 Comments:
Wow. You just said some very very disturbing stuff there.
Can't we hear more about underpants instead?
I too have spent time pondering about the piss pants and drip dry situation that goes on in the loos. ew.
Mark,
How much do you want to hear about underpants that may have piss on them?
oh god, your point A is strangely familiar... http://thegrandeurofdelusions.blogspot.com/2005/11/when-its-all-over.html
(sorry it's the only theory i've got...)
Hey, I reserve the right to have unrealistic ideas about women! Stop ruining it!
In a strange way that restores my faith in human nature. Although guys may be animalistic in their toilet habits, you ladies are suposed to be above that sort of thing.
So to hear you can be as bad as us.....
[slut heels: WTF? picture?]
only an innocent passer by... where do you work???
Mark, fortunately not all women pee on the seat/in their pants. Just some of them.
M, it's a worry, isn't it. They're thoughts that I would rather not be having.
Nails, one minute he's all like "No more underpants" then he's all "I love underpants". It's so tough to keep up.
Lividia, you win. I've only ever noticed a few drops on the seat, but your story is extreme.
Brett, if you want your faith truly restored, next time I can tell the really bad stuff that I've left out this time to stop people from vomiting on my blog. ('Slut' heels isn't really accurate - it's just a prefix we (as in myself and my best mate) put on anything dressy. i.e. "I've got on my slut top and slut skirt.")
Treespotter, a big insurance company in Brisbane. Revealing company names would surely get me fired, especially after I've just revealed the employees' toilet habits.
Holy shit - I'm SO glad I didn't read this post at work. I'm freakin' DYIN over here... tears streaming down my face. My husband is looking at me like I've got three heads. I'm wheezing, cackling, howling... aaaarrrhahrhrhahrhrhrhahrhrrrhhhh!
You KILL me.
- M
Ah, you made my day, m'dear. :-)
Post a Comment
<< Home