Presenting... The GBE Diet!
(Are you excited?)
In order for this to work, it's important that you follow all of the steps precisely. It is also beneficial to have some sort of horrendous virus slowly destroying your body from the inside out.
Over a five-and-a-half day period, only the following food items may be consumed:
One slice of meatlover's pizza.
One piece of cottage pie.
Three slices of bread.
That's in total, there. You might want to spread them out a bit.
Your drink choices are limited to:
Water.
Utterly vile herbal tea.
But hey, you can have as much as you like.
During this time, sleep a lot, cough a lot, and cry occasionally. And then, when you change from your fat pants to your jeans so you can go to the doctor, you TOO will discover that they are so loose that you could fit not one, but TWO cans of beer down them easily (Ooh, cold!) and that they are now so hideously ill-fitting that you probably have to go to the shop and spend $100+ on a new pair. Hurrah!
Oh, wait. This is SHIT.
(Are you excited?)
In order for this to work, it's important that you follow all of the steps precisely. It is also beneficial to have some sort of horrendous virus slowly destroying your body from the inside out.
Over a five-and-a-half day period, only the following food items may be consumed:
One slice of meatlover's pizza.
One piece of cottage pie.
Three slices of bread.
That's in total, there. You might want to spread them out a bit.
Your drink choices are limited to:
Water.
Utterly vile herbal tea.
But hey, you can have as much as you like.
During this time, sleep a lot, cough a lot, and cry occasionally. And then, when you change from your fat pants to your jeans so you can go to the doctor, you TOO will discover that they are so loose that you could fit not one, but TWO cans of beer down them easily (Ooh, cold!) and that they are now so hideously ill-fitting that you probably have to go to the shop and spend $100+ on a new pair. Hurrah!
Oh, wait. This is SHIT.
posted by GBE at 10:40 am
14 Comments:
I am a huge fan of the self abuse diet which consists of a weekend of intoxicants and stuff all food (well very little retained). Then on monday count the belt holes you've lost....
Oh you poor chicken.
I hope you get better soon, and that it's not consumption. I imagine that would be bad.
'Cottage pie'? That doesn't sound very nice.
Poor thing! Get better soon and hope the GBE diet comes to an end soon..
Get well quick, and your sesnse of humor still works!("Love in the time of Cholera") Try changing reading material it may help :)
Oh dear.. I'm new, but I certainly hope you feel better soon!
ps.. you're still very funny.. does that help at all?
If it's consumption, you can lie on the lounge and waste away in a beautifully pitiful yet poetic manner.
Keats died of consumption... he's a perfect role model!
Keats is a frickin' ponce. At least Byron had the wit to impregnate his sister.
Try not to waste away or anything, k? And there are such things as fruit and vegetables...
GBE Sounds great when Can I start?... Wait the being sick part doesn't sound good... Feel better soon.
gbe,
How are you feeling? Only a few days off line and I miss you already. (Your sarcasm and wit are truly a pleasure, and I mean that.)
If you (sob, sob) didn't recover from the GBE diet regimen trust me, I will write a suitable obituary for you. If you did recover then you'll have to write your own!
(Now there's a tag! Write your own obituary!! Perhaps a little sick, but what would others write about you?)
Sorry, Friday evening in Florida, a bunch of "mates" at the pub, and a good time was had by all.
Good night, hope this makes a bit of sense to you,
Ya poor wee bairn! I won't say 'get well soon', because if you could, surely you would do whatever to make 'soon' happen like yesterday.
Snuggle up. Sleep. Be kind to yourself and wallow all you want.
Oh also, whinge and whine a LOT to make everyone run around and do stuff for ya.
Mushroom, hey, who needs food anyway? Not me. Just a cask of goon and a toilet bowl. Bring it on.
Lucy, it could very well be consumption. I bet the doctor didn't even think to check for that. And, after checking on Wikipedia, I have ALL the symptoms.
Well, Don, we had to make do with what we had. We wanted Shepherd's Pie but we were fresh out of shepherds.
Thank you, Lulu. As I have been feeling slightly better lately I've been doing my best to counteract the diet by stuffing my face with ice cream and McDonalds. That'll sort it.
Mr. Guinness, I know, it's quite apt, isn't it? And I picked the book before I fell ill, too. Hey, maybe I have cholera!
Hello Miss Devylish! Thank you, and yes, it helps immensely. I shall hold my sense of humour to the very end so that I end up in one of those 'witty last words' books.
Actonb, this consumption thing is starting to sound pretty good. I can just see myself now, with my hand flung back on my forehead, sighing heavily and lamenting the (very slow) loss of my young life.
Mark, I have heard of these fruits and vegetables. I am fairly certain that I even have some potatoes located somewhere in my house. They may be under the sink. Alas, I do not have a sister, which is probably for the best, really.
Kaisa, hi! Come on now, a week of horrible sickness isn't too much to ask, really. I mean, you get all the same benefits* as those people who exercise and eat healthy but you don't have to do any of that crap! (*Benefits not obtained: increased fitness and health.)
Mr. Guinness, hello again, fortunately I am not yet dead. Though if I do have consumption, as everyone is suggesting, then death may be coming sooner than expected. I don't know what people would put in my obituary, but I can only hope it would say something like 'GBE could knock back pints like a bloke and win every belching contest she entered. She was a top bird.' Glad you had a good Friday night...
Steph, I'm pretty spectacular at whining. Constant sniffling, coughing, and whimpering, punctuated with repeated verge-of-death whispers of 'I'm sick,' 'I feel bad' and 'Can you fetch me my tissues?' Pity the poor sod who has to put up with me when I'm sick.
Oh my! Eat something decent girl!
Susanne, I know - living on a diet of beer and Chicos probably doesn't help my recovery time any, does it? When I grow up, I swear I'll eat properly. Any day now...
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