Monday, March 26, 2007

Yesterday, John and I went to the movies and saw Hot Fuzz. It was very, very funny and John and I spent the whole time laughing at jokes that nobody else seemed to laugh at ("If you want to be a big cop in a small town, go to the model village."). But, aside from this, we witnessed something extremely disturbing in the theatre.

You see, we walked in while the lights were still on and started contemplating where to sit. There were only two other people in there at that time, an elderly couple sitting down the front. We soon became aware that they were wildly PASHING.

So, hey, a couple in their 60's playing tongue hockey isn't something you see every day. I have no problem with it in theory, but I averted my eyes and quickly scoffed my choc-top, lest I lose my appetite and cry, for the choc-top was most excellent.

The pashing stopped, and we all waited for the movie with eager anticipation. Then, Elderly Lady stood up and slid onto Elderly Gent's lap. She started running her fingers through her hair and WRITHING. There were MOANS being emitted as he Felt. Her. Up. She slid off his lap and they both lay down on the seats. There was movement.

My gag reflex started pulsating wildly, threatening to spray choc-top and coke all over the surrounding seats. I am sure that older folk must occasionally, you know, coughshagcough, but it was not something I really wanted to witness at this stage in my life. Perhaps when I am in my 60's myself and am feeling a bit kinky, then sure, I might watch, but 23 and full of choc-top?

No! NO NO NO! Nooooooooooooo!

Several other movie-goers filed in and took their seats. Most looked suspiciously at the frisky grandparents, who sat up and seemingly started paying attention to the advertisements that were flashing on the screen, now that the lights had been dimmed.

So it was dark, and they had stopped, and there were other people there, and that was the end of it.

Or so I thought.

After one ad finished, there was a moment of silence, which was just long enough for us all to hear a loud moan, followed by an "OH MY GODDDDDD" of pleasure. Pleasure!

And then it stopped. And I paid attention to the movie (by the power of Greyskull!). And inwardly sang happyhappy songs because I work in an office, and not as a cleaner at a cinema.

17 Comments:

Blogger Pomgirl said...

Arrrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!

Horrid.

You've put me right off my dinner.



And my word verification includes 'pox' which is very apt as I was just about to write 'a pox on those horny elderly folk' but then decided that 'horny' and 'elderly' should never be used that close together.

6:27 pm  
Blogger Cassie said...

I have never commented on your blog before but this calls for it and I apologise in advance...



That's

Fucken

Rank


enough said

6:59 pm  
Blogger Deb said...

oh my god that would scar me for life! Was this a cinema in brisbane??? please let us know which one so we can avoid it like the plauge... coz you just *know* the cleaners arent getting paid enough to clean that up!

Ew..

nightmares!

10:50 pm  
Blogger Marcheline said...

That is HY-frickin-STERICAL!

I would have thrown caution (and choc-top, whatever the hell that is) to the winds, snuck up on them, and taken pictures with my cell phone!

A post like this without pictures is like a day without sunshine.

"By the power of Grayskull!" HAHahahahahhaaaaarrghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

- M

3:17 am  
Blogger Jess said...

ohhhh my goddddd
old people sex is NARSTY
you are a brave woman!

4:23 am  
Blogger Reel Fanatic said...

Man, is that disgusting .. I don't think I'll ever be entirely comfortable sitting in a movie theater seat again .. I can't wait to see Hot Fuzz, but I have no idea when it's finally gonna open in my little corner of the world

5:28 am  
Blogger vapidly vibrant said...

Though i am glad to see that there is still such vigor at that age... um, i really rather not witness it. Or read about it. Or even hear it.

Lordy. After Miss Pom's spider baby demon, Steph's 'flatmates' adventures, and now this, i am seriously reconsiderng ever visiting the land of OZ :S...

6:29 am  
Blogger Jen said...

I used to be that person who had to tidy cinemas between sessions, rip tickets and do all the other ubbish jobs the ushers have to do.

Thankfully I never encountered any such acts, if I did I probably would have left them to it and put a garbage bag over the seat when they left (only done when there was something truly horrific that everyone refused to clean on them), I was a rather bad usher :)

Didn't everyone get over kissing (or worse) in cinemas when they were like 16?

7:50 am  
Blogger Scum Department said...

ahahahahhaha

that's fucking hilarious. I hope I can still get it up when I'm 60, let alone get a root.

9:58 am  
Blogger Amanda said...

That is so, so wrong. I can't believe it. In fact, I think I might be lost for words.

1:32 pm  
Blogger audrey said...

Would you rather see that or see 15 year olds getting it on? I'd go the olds.

I'm betting they are cheating spouses. It's a shame Joey Grecco didn't bust into the cinema. That would have been fun.

Welcome back!

I like your haircut.

10:24 pm  
Blogger Original Mel said...

Okay I;ve seen Hot Fuzz and really didn't think it was that much of a turn on.

Best movie ever and hilarious? Yes
Putting me in the mood for lurve? Hell no

Skanky old people. Who let them out of the nursing home anyways.


Word verification: Soladgld. Apt as your story si solid gold, missy.

8:37 am  
Blogger GBE said...

Pom, I'm sorry for putting you off your dinner. I hope it was a standard dinner instead of an ace Jamie Oliver salad thing with strawberries in it. Because I just wouldn't be able to forgive myself.

Cassie, hello there, I am sorry to have flung you into my comments with my geriatric filth, but I think your comment is just about the perfect way to describe the whole situation.

Oh yes Deb, Cinema 5 in the Brisbane Myer Centre cinemas. Third row from the front, I believe. You just make sure you sit at the back there and you should be fine. Unless you sit in the bit of choc-top I dropped, in which case, I am sorry.

Marcheline, choc-tops are just an ice cream in a cone, which has been dipped in chocolate and left to set. I think they sell them like that so people don't smush ice cream into the seats - they drop chocolate bits all over them instead. I am sorry for not getting any pictures - I was already getting evil looks from people for replying to an sms during the pre-movie ads. People are so touchy, sheesh.

Jess, thank you. But those tickets cost me $13.50 per person and damned if I was going to walk out of there. That's enough for two pints right there.

Reel, did Shaun of the Dead do well over there? If so, then Hot Fuzz would hopefully not be too far away for ye. And then we can all giggle together. Hooray!

Vapidly, hey now, Australia's not that bad really. Sure, there's a few bums around the place and a whole lot of spiders, but this is most definitely the first time I have witnessed old people engaging in this sort of behaviour. And hopefully the last.

Jen, I think that being the usher who checks the cinema and walks in on two oldies doing that sort of thing would be just about the worst situation ever. What would they do? Politely tap them on the shoulder? Cough loudly? Shine the torch in their eyes? And yeah, I couldn't understand why they just didn't go their house. Isn't that easier?

Scum, the miracle of viagra, yes? And as for finding somebody, I think that these two were on a day trip from the insane asylum, so that might be a good place to start.

Amanda, I was lost for words at the time. And then I started muttering "I just want to finish my choc-top" like I was crazy and averting my eyes frantically.

Audrey, I think you're right. The oldies would have to be preferable over the fumblings of two teenaged gits. Ooh, is Joey back after that whole stabbing thing? Curse those crazy cheaters.

Mel, well I don't know, I guess it all depends on whether Simon Pegg does it for you or not. He's cute in that British comedian sort of way. Perhaps I should e-mail him and tell him what sort of reaction he is generating here. I bet he would be stoked.

7:00 pm  
Blogger phishez said...

Thats wrong in like... eight different ways.

I would have yelled at them to keep it quiet and told them they were risking getting sprayed with projective vomited choctop.

Or thrown jaffas at them.

So wrong.

3:10 pm  
Blogger GBE said...

Phishez, we did think about throwing some food. But my options were choc-top, or chicos, and the throwing of either would have been sacrilegious.

6:16 pm  
Blogger Miss Devylish said...

Old or young.. ew. Wow. In the theatre?! Um.. wow.

7:56 am  
Blogger GBE said...

Miss Devylish, that's what I would've said, if it wasn't for all of the gagging going on.

1:15 pm  

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